Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Maybe I'm too much.

Sometimes we laugh we smile we be act all happy and try to trick ourselves into believing that it is all real. And that’s not because we have something to prove to someone or to the world. Its just that we are tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of the bitchiness. Tired of failing. Tired of being worthless. Tired of not being cared for. Tired of crying. As you recede into those shadows once again you realise that you cannot hide there forever. The tears will somehow show up because no dam is strong enough to hold back a tsunami forever. People will eventually see through your smiles and know that the joy-cheeriness-fun attitude is fake. And as if it really matters. The world will still go on. People will still be selfish. Everyone will still put themselves before you. And you will still be lying there. Alone.

The friends you have will lend you their shoulder no doubt. Every single time you ask them for it. But then again. That’s the point. Every single time you ask for it. Otherwise they are actually too busy with their own lives to even notice you around. Sometimes I wonder, what if I told people I’m going on a holiday, and I never come back. Will anyone actually bother to check back, will anyone bother at all? Probably they will, by the time it’s too late.

‘I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh. But I never knew looking back on the smiles would make me cry.’ So. So true.

Today, I miss those friends, those moments, just that feeling knowing someone’s there who cares. I’m crying and I need a shoulder. Never thought asking for it would make me feel like a burden. I never thought I’d have no one.

Be it any relationship. I am too scared at first. Scared to open up, scared to give in, scared to be me. I’m slow at first, but once I get true, then I’m glued. Like glue- clear, in the flow and very tight bonding. Someone said its wrong to have expectations. I agree. And I try. I’m honest, direct, frank. I like to laugh. I like to have fun. I like to get praised. I like to be missed. I like to be thought of. I just like to feel that I’m there. There as a very vital part of someone’s life. That someone needs me like I need them. That I can make them smile like they make me. I like the little things. Is it asking fot too much?

Maybe it is.

Maybe I'm too much.