Darkness

She's shunned herself into darkness. The only light around is the blink emanating from the smartphone on the bedside getting charged towards its full capacity. This is a complete contrast to the constant stream of tears escaping the eyes now turned pinkish red due to the excessive crying since the past couple of hours. She cannot pinpoint what triggered it. Was it the song which came up on shuffle which he first introduced her to that day in the car. Was it the tin of those Godiva pearls for which they always fought, which now she had all to herself. Was it her cellphone vibrating which for a split second made her jump thinking that its his text; because somehow he always knew when she was in a bad mood. Or was it the emptiness in her head and her inexplicable longing to feel him hug her in a protective shell away from all sadness.
Whatever it was, it brought together with it a chain of memories and dialogues which went on playing like an infinite loop parallel in different parts of her brain making her feel like her head would explode. She could not intrude into those territories which were his life now, separate and away from her. She could not tread on the well traversed paths of emotional connect which she thought was home until a while back. She could not ask for the support of that shoulder which used to instantaneously appear every time she looked out for it. That shoulder was now holding someone else's chin up. Those roads had been cordoned off and new ones built alongside. His life was separate now, completely distinct and distant from hers.
She tried varied techniques to block these thoughts but seldom did anything work. The darkness was a major part of it. Along with burying herself into her bean bag and covering her head tight with the pillows as if she was physically escaping from the thoughts.

And shunning herself, once again, into the familiar darkness.

Story-telling

I am contemplating if I should tell you this story again. I know I’ve told it so many times now, but you always liked my writing, I hope that hasn’t changed. I keep playing those days over and over in my head at night. I usually lay awake as my thoughts race to you. I’m sure you know all of this. I miss our long talks though, and thus I would like you to hear. I hope you’re listening too.

The life that you and I had built was wonderful. The story in my mind makes my heart race whenever I think back through the years making up its pages. It reminds me of the stolen glances. It reminds me how thankful I was that you could not see how fast my heart was beating the first time we met. If you did, you thankfully blamed it on the nervousness and the fact that I was an introvert. I wonder if you knew how scared I was that I would ruin what we had before it was ever ours. Because I did not till I realized it much later. I guess you got a hint though, because that’s when you had first held my hand. And calmed me down instantly.

I would wait for you for days, months, like a child waiting for a gift. Eagerly and looking forward to it and with unmatched enthusiasm. In the days leading up to our meetings, I would walk around my room for hours thinking of what we would talk about, words that would make you smile and laugh, things that would let you forget all the problems and worries in your life. Also, I tried on every nice top I owned, every pair of jeans, every piece of clothing, trying to find the perfect thing to look good in. I was suddenly making efforts to look good, I lost sleep, and more than anything, I hoped.

And after all of that, with my eyes having a tuff time looking at you/away from you in those opening moments, I could think of no clever line, no charming words, just a whatsup in reply to your whatsuppp! I was afraid you would judge me. I do not know if you did or not, but you smiled nevertheless. In those opening scenes you were so far above me and what you deserved was so far beyond me.

But you told me I was cute, which only made it worse, but in the best of ways.

Do you remember the evening we sat and talked about your dreams?  That is one of my fondest memories of you. You dreamt of doing something worthwhile. Of making your dad proud and happy. You had dreams of finding success and purpose in life. Over the years, I opened up my soul and let you in.  Something I have never done easily or often with anyone. It had been years since these doors opened; years since the light of day illuminated these broken halls.  But you were always different. It was as if you knew.  Instead of running on these broken stones, you walked steady and you gave life to the shattered walls; cared for the scars that the years had left. Never was there a sprint to an arbitrary finish line or some selfish goal, just the serenity of the time you and I spent together. And apart. You knew that I was fragile, no matter how solid I held myself out to be, the cracks beneath the surface ran deep. The only thing you cared for was me, in whatever condition I was in, at that time, you simply wanted me. No matter how slow you and I had to walk, you were glad to simply walk with me. You wanted to make me better and not get tired of my faults. You were patient and diligent. You were always there for me. I’ve never known that love before, but I know that it is rare and I know it is something people search till the end of their days for and the light fades on their empty hands.

I still wonder if you knew that my heart would constantly jump to my throat around you, even when our newness had faded. In the early morning you would gently stir, your hair disheveled and messy, but so beautiful to me. Then again, everything about you always was. Hearing your laugh drift through the rooms, the smell of your Brut, a hand on my waist and my heart would sprint.  People have told me that feeling fades with time. Luckily, it never did for me.

I know that those days we can’t get back. There are memories of you that I treasure, but I fear will fade with time. I desperately pray that if you look back at your time with me, you’ll see it as worthwhile. You were never one for words, but you tried to tell me how much you loved me, or when words failed, tried to show me. With an effing brilliant house made with your own hands.

You must know that you made me better; made me whole. I know that I can’t possibly thank you for that, no matter how much I try. You hold a place in my heart and your love has reached even deeper, going somewhere beyond it. But today there is such a profound emptiness where your warmth used to be; such a longing wait; serving as a reminder of how special our story is.

I often find my mind wandering to our favorite spots; the window seat overlooking the street. The walks we have taken. I like to imagine you are just in the kitchen getting tea, or sitting silent next to me. Playing music on the laptop. I know it’s foolish, to live like this and give credence to these thoughts. But that’s all I live by in place of you now. You loved to sit and play the guitar, or read a book, or just watch the day pass by you. I always found comfort seeing you in your favorite boxers, slowly drinking in the world. I’m drawn to many of the things we used to do.  I feel drawn to walk your favorite paths, see the movies you loved, and hear the songs that moved you so. I’m desperate for ways to feel close to you once more. I hear your voice echoing through the days, the songs I know well, but your voice has begun to fade. I am tired of just listening to the echoes. I want to listen to you.

Its strange, the manner in which you have slowly drifted away. I don’t know how to put that to words, or if there are words enough to tell you how. But, I think the unexpectedness of it all has made me numb. The helplessness of having no choice in the matter; knowing that you do not feel anything awkward about it. Trying to tell myself that it is just a phase. Over and over again. It was only recently that I began to ache, to feel the loneliness place its icy fingers around me.  Every morning, I found myself looking to see your disheveled hair and your smile after you telling me you want to hug me. And wanting to ask me why I am so far way. It’s just me now. Asking the same things. To myself.

I remember the lines of grey and black; the tear streaked eyes, and crumpled hands and the curled toes.  The apologies and condolences and the question of what are we going to do?  What else? What now? I tried being the strong girl who does not care for a bit. But I do not want to do that anymore. Life has never come naturally to me like it has to you. It was your love of it that provided me hope and courage to do the things I did not know I could. Now, when you tell me that you do not feel the same way anymore. And you do not know what to do; I am the one who is lost. 

I look for ways to fix this, of something I can do but there are things you can’t fix alone, stories you can never experience again. I feel like a lone fighter, like hitting against a blank wall. Like shouting out loud but no one is listening. Like going downhill at a very high speed.  The sound of our story crumbling deafens me and rips at me. Sitting in silence I realize that it is just you and I, but not the way it once was.

I hope wherever you are or whatever waits for us after all of this, treats you well. Not because I believe in something bigger and better, but because I can’t stand the thought of not being with you or not hearing you laugh, or sing, or watch you just be. I refuse to believe that this is all there is and that the greatest happiness I ever knew could end like this.

It’s difficult to speak to an unfeeling stone, to weep in front of blankness. I constantly imagine footsteps, as if you are running to comfort me.  I know it’s just my mind, but my heart gives way to hope. 

I can hear you now, “don’t do that to yourself, it’s not fair.” And you’re right, it isn’t. But what am I to do? The ghosts of the times that have passed are shackled to me; I feel their weight across my back. I feel both, their presence and absence in the shortness of my breathing and the unrelenting tears when I think back to you and us. And how we are right now.

#Trustbroken

What should you do when you've been let down in life. By every single person you trusted. Yet after all the self counselling and all the lessons learnt you unknowingly attach yourself so strongly to someone that you're almost blind. As they say, love is blind. You rant about every sorrow to that one person and you laugh your loudest laughs with that one person. You give all that you have and do all that you can. But then again, one small thing crashes all your beliefs. It just takes a spark to get a fire starting and the seemingly harmless lie/behind-the-back snooping around is not healthy for anyone in the end. Prying where you should'nt have you come across this disturbing piece of reality which makes you irritated and frustrated with yourself. Makes you want to go into a corner and hide and cry and undo all that you have done. Makes you unsure of every decision that you have taken and breaks you into thousands of tiny irrepairable pieces.
And the worst part is, that in the end, you blame yourself. For looking where you shouldnt have. For dropping unannounced. Is that what relationships are about? Is everything a facade? Does all the goodness have to be planned? Does all the love have to be on the surface? Is the world full of futility and fragility? Is there nothing called loyalty and faith? Can no one be trusted? Can no one be loved?

A piece of my heart.

Everyday I am caught in the mess of emotions. In the crowd of feelings. All of which are evoked by someone other than myself. All of which are a reaction not to the self. My brain and my heart, being controlled by someone else. In this moment of reflection I realise how vulnerable and how weak each of us is today. Owing most of our basic emotive functions to a third party. Sometimes even going to the extent of faking these very emotions to keep other judging minds satisfied. Day in and day out this seemingly fabricated routine becomes a part of us and we lose our independence. We are slaved forever. We cannot think for ourselves. We cannot feel detached. We are always holding onto something or someone for support and approval of something which is rightfully ours.

That is why maybe, I am happiest when I create art. Because that is one of the few things I am doing for myself. Uninhibited and free, I am not thoughtful of what reactions it will evoke or how it will affect anyone else. It is my art, my part. It is a free expression of what I feel and think and want to depict. Onlookers may choose to appreciate or ignore. Praises are welcome and criticism is too. But nothing can degrade the piece that I have created. Because as I said, there is a price of my heart in the piece of my art.

Its strange.

#Its strange how over time, we get connected to someone so intensely that we forget the boundaries and merge into one. All time is a struggle between their meal-times and mine, their work-hours and mine, their free-time and mine. And yet in the midst of all this comes the dilemma of finding the me-time and the we-time, both of which are equally crucial.

#Its so strange how the nascent stages of any growing friendship/relationship makes one forget the not-so-important things and during the later stages these things and the oft ignored self are given utmost importance. Comparisons are made with the point of view of compromises. Priorities dwindle and an attempt is made to reinstate the initial balance. But little do we realise, that the damage has been done. Live with it or live without it. But first, Learn to live within.

#Its strange how opinions change and mindsets change. And how people change. When the goals and the expectations change. Then, its not just the person inside you that has changed, but the people around you have to be changed too. As they say, if you can't change them, change them. Each human is unique, and so is the power and direction of progression of the heart and brain. It is when one finds another who is compatible with this rate and direction of change is maybe when a soulmate has been found.

Dust in the mind.

I thought I was a stronger person. I thought I could not be bothered so much. But I was wrong. I may not doubt you, get jealous, possessive and the usual. But one thing, I cannot stop loving you. And till I love you, I will miss you. Till I miss you I will tend to feel sad for all the oft occurring moments of longing that I feel irrespective of when you are available/unavailable.

 I have had many people in life whom I have trusted easily. Whom I have loved without restraint and cared for without a second thought. I have also got back the love and care but somewhere down I lost every one of them. But I just don’t know where I went wrong.  I didn’t do anything to make them stay, and I didn’t do anything to hold them back. Not because I thought it wasn’t worthwhile. But because, I have never believed in forced relationships. Even if it’s too late by the time people realise they need me, I am prepared to wait.

I cannot contain my love. If I miss you, I miss you. I cannot help it. I am not sad missing you or bad missing you or happy missing you or good missing you. I do not know the categories or the classifications. I simply just miss you. I cannot love with rules. I can surely try and understand that love may not always be practical and cannot always be whimsical, but thats love. And I love you.

The distance might get difficult for me only for the sole reason that I fear losing track of you. Or losing you. I am glad to let you free because I know you will still be there for me, but I try to keep in touch just to make sure you are there. Because I have lost people without even realising they aren’t there.

Its like you are out in a new city and both of you wish to explore the city together but not be bound with each other. You are confident that you both will tour and end up where you started. So you keep walking at your own pace without looking back to check because you trust blindly. But when suddenly you turn and see no one, you break. You feel so helpless and so shattered because you can’t even figure out where exactly you lost that person. You feel so sad and so lonely and so scared and so lost all of a sudden. I am scared of that feeling now.

I don’t want to lose you. Now.

All Shades Fade

I laugh, you smile..

Try to make it all worthwhile.

I look back on the miles,

And wonder if I'm beguiled.

Its a never ending phase,

A never ending maze..

I want to peace myself,

But its all in a haze.

Striving for perfection,

Of a perfect happiness..

But nothing's perfect they say,

Its only a sad mess.

Overlooking each crack in my heart,

Trying to build a wonderwall..

But it all crumbles down to the start.

Only making me stronger with each fall.

The people I met,

The tears I wet..

The memories I made,

All eventually fade

Forever they say,

But never do they mean.

Life isn't permanent,

And death is unseen.