Darkness

She's shunned herself into darkness. The only light around is the blink emanating from the smartphone on the bedside getting charged towards its full capacity. This is a complete contrast to the constant stream of tears escaping the eyes now turned pinkish red due to the excessive crying since the past couple of hours. She cannot pinpoint what triggered it. Was it the song which came up on shuffle which he first introduced her to that day in the car. Was it the tin of those Godiva pearls for which they always fought, which now she had all to herself. Was it her cellphone vibrating which for a split second made her jump thinking that its his text; because somehow he always knew when she was in a bad mood. Or was it the emptiness in her head and her inexplicable longing to feel him hug her in a protective shell away from all sadness.
Whatever it was, it brought together with it a chain of memories and dialogues which went on playing like an infinite loop parallel in different parts of her brain making her feel like her head would explode. She could not intrude into those territories which were his life now, separate and away from her. She could not tread on the well traversed paths of emotional connect which she thought was home until a while back. She could not ask for the support of that shoulder which used to instantaneously appear every time she looked out for it. That shoulder was now holding someone else's chin up. Those roads had been cordoned off and new ones built alongside. His life was separate now, completely distinct and distant from hers.
She tried varied techniques to block these thoughts but seldom did anything work. The darkness was a major part of it. Along with burying herself into her bean bag and covering her head tight with the pillows as if she was physically escaping from the thoughts.

And shunning herself, once again, into the familiar darkness.

Story-telling

I am contemplating if I should tell you this story again. I know I’ve told it so many times now, but you always liked my writing, I hope that hasn’t changed. I keep playing those days over and over in my head at night. I usually lay awake as my thoughts race to you. I’m sure you know all of this. I miss our long talks though, and thus I would like you to hear. I hope you’re listening too.

The life that you and I had built was wonderful. The story in my mind makes my heart race whenever I think back through the years making up its pages. It reminds me of the stolen glances. It reminds me how thankful I was that you could not see how fast my heart was beating the first time we met. If you did, you thankfully blamed it on the nervousness and the fact that I was an introvert. I wonder if you knew how scared I was that I would ruin what we had before it was ever ours. Because I did not till I realized it much later. I guess you got a hint though, because that’s when you had first held my hand. And calmed me down instantly.

I would wait for you for days, months, like a child waiting for a gift. Eagerly and looking forward to it and with unmatched enthusiasm. In the days leading up to our meetings, I would walk around my room for hours thinking of what we would talk about, words that would make you smile and laugh, things that would let you forget all the problems and worries in your life. Also, I tried on every nice top I owned, every pair of jeans, every piece of clothing, trying to find the perfect thing to look good in. I was suddenly making efforts to look good, I lost sleep, and more than anything, I hoped.

And after all of that, with my eyes having a tuff time looking at you/away from you in those opening moments, I could think of no clever line, no charming words, just a whatsup in reply to your whatsuppp! I was afraid you would judge me. I do not know if you did or not, but you smiled nevertheless. In those opening scenes you were so far above me and what you deserved was so far beyond me.

But you told me I was cute, which only made it worse, but in the best of ways.

Do you remember the evening we sat and talked about your dreams?  That is one of my fondest memories of you. You dreamt of doing something worthwhile. Of making your dad proud and happy. You had dreams of finding success and purpose in life. Over the years, I opened up my soul and let you in.  Something I have never done easily or often with anyone. It had been years since these doors opened; years since the light of day illuminated these broken halls.  But you were always different. It was as if you knew.  Instead of running on these broken stones, you walked steady and you gave life to the shattered walls; cared for the scars that the years had left. Never was there a sprint to an arbitrary finish line or some selfish goal, just the serenity of the time you and I spent together. And apart. You knew that I was fragile, no matter how solid I held myself out to be, the cracks beneath the surface ran deep. The only thing you cared for was me, in whatever condition I was in, at that time, you simply wanted me. No matter how slow you and I had to walk, you were glad to simply walk with me. You wanted to make me better and not get tired of my faults. You were patient and diligent. You were always there for me. I’ve never known that love before, but I know that it is rare and I know it is something people search till the end of their days for and the light fades on their empty hands.

I still wonder if you knew that my heart would constantly jump to my throat around you, even when our newness had faded. In the early morning you would gently stir, your hair disheveled and messy, but so beautiful to me. Then again, everything about you always was. Hearing your laugh drift through the rooms, the smell of your Brut, a hand on my waist and my heart would sprint.  People have told me that feeling fades with time. Luckily, it never did for me.

I know that those days we can’t get back. There are memories of you that I treasure, but I fear will fade with time. I desperately pray that if you look back at your time with me, you’ll see it as worthwhile. You were never one for words, but you tried to tell me how much you loved me, or when words failed, tried to show me. With an effing brilliant house made with your own hands.

You must know that you made me better; made me whole. I know that I can’t possibly thank you for that, no matter how much I try. You hold a place in my heart and your love has reached even deeper, going somewhere beyond it. But today there is such a profound emptiness where your warmth used to be; such a longing wait; serving as a reminder of how special our story is.

I often find my mind wandering to our favorite spots; the window seat overlooking the street. The walks we have taken. I like to imagine you are just in the kitchen getting tea, or sitting silent next to me. Playing music on the laptop. I know it’s foolish, to live like this and give credence to these thoughts. But that’s all I live by in place of you now. You loved to sit and play the guitar, or read a book, or just watch the day pass by you. I always found comfort seeing you in your favorite boxers, slowly drinking in the world. I’m drawn to many of the things we used to do.  I feel drawn to walk your favorite paths, see the movies you loved, and hear the songs that moved you so. I’m desperate for ways to feel close to you once more. I hear your voice echoing through the days, the songs I know well, but your voice has begun to fade. I am tired of just listening to the echoes. I want to listen to you.

Its strange, the manner in which you have slowly drifted away. I don’t know how to put that to words, or if there are words enough to tell you how. But, I think the unexpectedness of it all has made me numb. The helplessness of having no choice in the matter; knowing that you do not feel anything awkward about it. Trying to tell myself that it is just a phase. Over and over again. It was only recently that I began to ache, to feel the loneliness place its icy fingers around me.  Every morning, I found myself looking to see your disheveled hair and your smile after you telling me you want to hug me. And wanting to ask me why I am so far way. It’s just me now. Asking the same things. To myself.

I remember the lines of grey and black; the tear streaked eyes, and crumpled hands and the curled toes.  The apologies and condolences and the question of what are we going to do?  What else? What now? I tried being the strong girl who does not care for a bit. But I do not want to do that anymore. Life has never come naturally to me like it has to you. It was your love of it that provided me hope and courage to do the things I did not know I could. Now, when you tell me that you do not feel the same way anymore. And you do not know what to do; I am the one who is lost. 

I look for ways to fix this, of something I can do but there are things you can’t fix alone, stories you can never experience again. I feel like a lone fighter, like hitting against a blank wall. Like shouting out loud but no one is listening. Like going downhill at a very high speed.  The sound of our story crumbling deafens me and rips at me. Sitting in silence I realize that it is just you and I, but not the way it once was.

I hope wherever you are or whatever waits for us after all of this, treats you well. Not because I believe in something bigger and better, but because I can’t stand the thought of not being with you or not hearing you laugh, or sing, or watch you just be. I refuse to believe that this is all there is and that the greatest happiness I ever knew could end like this.

It’s difficult to speak to an unfeeling stone, to weep in front of blankness. I constantly imagine footsteps, as if you are running to comfort me.  I know it’s just my mind, but my heart gives way to hope. 

I can hear you now, “don’t do that to yourself, it’s not fair.” And you’re right, it isn’t. But what am I to do? The ghosts of the times that have passed are shackled to me; I feel their weight across my back. I feel both, their presence and absence in the shortness of my breathing and the unrelenting tears when I think back to you and us. And how we are right now.

#Trustbroken

What should you do when you've been let down in life. By every single person you trusted. Yet after all the self counselling and all the lessons learnt you unknowingly attach yourself so strongly to someone that you're almost blind. As they say, love is blind. You rant about every sorrow to that one person and you laugh your loudest laughs with that one person. You give all that you have and do all that you can. But then again, one small thing crashes all your beliefs. It just takes a spark to get a fire starting and the seemingly harmless lie/behind-the-back snooping around is not healthy for anyone in the end. Prying where you should'nt have you come across this disturbing piece of reality which makes you irritated and frustrated with yourself. Makes you want to go into a corner and hide and cry and undo all that you have done. Makes you unsure of every decision that you have taken and breaks you into thousands of tiny irrepairable pieces.
And the worst part is, that in the end, you blame yourself. For looking where you shouldnt have. For dropping unannounced. Is that what relationships are about? Is everything a facade? Does all the goodness have to be planned? Does all the love have to be on the surface? Is the world full of futility and fragility? Is there nothing called loyalty and faith? Can no one be trusted? Can no one be loved?

A piece of my heart.

Everyday I am caught in the mess of emotions. In the crowd of feelings. All of which are evoked by someone other than myself. All of which are a reaction not to the self. My brain and my heart, being controlled by someone else. In this moment of reflection I realise how vulnerable and how weak each of us is today. Owing most of our basic emotive functions to a third party. Sometimes even going to the extent of faking these very emotions to keep other judging minds satisfied. Day in and day out this seemingly fabricated routine becomes a part of us and we lose our independence. We are slaved forever. We cannot think for ourselves. We cannot feel detached. We are always holding onto something or someone for support and approval of something which is rightfully ours.

That is why maybe, I am happiest when I create art. Because that is one of the few things I am doing for myself. Uninhibited and free, I am not thoughtful of what reactions it will evoke or how it will affect anyone else. It is my art, my part. It is a free expression of what I feel and think and want to depict. Onlookers may choose to appreciate or ignore. Praises are welcome and criticism is too. But nothing can degrade the piece that I have created. Because as I said, there is a price of my heart in the piece of my art.

Its strange.

#Its strange how over time, we get connected to someone so intensely that we forget the boundaries and merge into one. All time is a struggle between their meal-times and mine, their work-hours and mine, their free-time and mine. And yet in the midst of all this comes the dilemma of finding the me-time and the we-time, both of which are equally crucial.

#Its so strange how the nascent stages of any growing friendship/relationship makes one forget the not-so-important things and during the later stages these things and the oft ignored self are given utmost importance. Comparisons are made with the point of view of compromises. Priorities dwindle and an attempt is made to reinstate the initial balance. But little do we realise, that the damage has been done. Live with it or live without it. But first, Learn to live within.

#Its strange how opinions change and mindsets change. And how people change. When the goals and the expectations change. Then, its not just the person inside you that has changed, but the people around you have to be changed too. As they say, if you can't change them, change them. Each human is unique, and so is the power and direction of progression of the heart and brain. It is when one finds another who is compatible with this rate and direction of change is maybe when a soulmate has been found.

Dust in the mind.

I thought I was a stronger person. I thought I could not be bothered so much. But I was wrong. I may not doubt you, get jealous, possessive and the usual. But one thing, I cannot stop loving you. And till I love you, I will miss you. Till I miss you I will tend to feel sad for all the oft occurring moments of longing that I feel irrespective of when you are available/unavailable.

 I have had many people in life whom I have trusted easily. Whom I have loved without restraint and cared for without a second thought. I have also got back the love and care but somewhere down I lost every one of them. But I just don’t know where I went wrong.  I didn’t do anything to make them stay, and I didn’t do anything to hold them back. Not because I thought it wasn’t worthwhile. But because, I have never believed in forced relationships. Even if it’s too late by the time people realise they need me, I am prepared to wait.

I cannot contain my love. If I miss you, I miss you. I cannot help it. I am not sad missing you or bad missing you or happy missing you or good missing you. I do not know the categories or the classifications. I simply just miss you. I cannot love with rules. I can surely try and understand that love may not always be practical and cannot always be whimsical, but thats love. And I love you.

The distance might get difficult for me only for the sole reason that I fear losing track of you. Or losing you. I am glad to let you free because I know you will still be there for me, but I try to keep in touch just to make sure you are there. Because I have lost people without even realising they aren’t there.

Its like you are out in a new city and both of you wish to explore the city together but not be bound with each other. You are confident that you both will tour and end up where you started. So you keep walking at your own pace without looking back to check because you trust blindly. But when suddenly you turn and see no one, you break. You feel so helpless and so shattered because you can’t even figure out where exactly you lost that person. You feel so sad and so lonely and so scared and so lost all of a sudden. I am scared of that feeling now.

I don’t want to lose you. Now.

All Shades Fade

I laugh, you smile..

Try to make it all worthwhile.

I look back on the miles,

And wonder if I'm beguiled.

Its a never ending phase,

A never ending maze..

I want to peace myself,

But its all in a haze.

Striving for perfection,

Of a perfect happiness..

But nothing's perfect they say,

Its only a sad mess.

Overlooking each crack in my heart,

Trying to build a wonderwall..

But it all crumbles down to the start.

Only making me stronger with each fall.

The people I met,

The tears I wet..

The memories I made,

All eventually fade

Forever they say,

But never do they mean.

Life isn't permanent,

And death is unseen.

Illusions

Darkness rolls on,

Never showing itself move...

Thoughts flow upon,

Not knowing what to prove.

Like a pile of muddled of mess,

Like the garbage from recess,

I wish I could be freed...

Like a damsel in distress.

And so it came to be,

This isolation that I am,

I can only look to me...

To find the way it all began.

This confusion, constant hunger,

For something more than this...

I search the being I envision,

And yet I seem to miss..

Could it be that I am empty?

Or maybe a little lost?

Could it be that I am lonely?

Or don’t know what it would cost?

This never ending ‘Something’

That is living deep inside,

Depicts the illusion of myself...

And all I have to hide.

Me and You :)

Just like the wind blows into my hair,

When you whisper love into my ears...

My whole world turns into a smile,

I get lost in my luckiness for a while.

Just like the shore meets the sea waves,

For a hug like that my little heart craves...

When the sun and sand mingle in tune,

And on repeat till the sky houses the moon.

Simple words of truth shared thus..

Stating reality without a fuss.

Relating to me and relating to you,

Relating together is what makes it us!

Peace within. Or without.

Sitting at my terrace, I can see two strings of yellow lights – one of them is real and sharp, and the other is its blurred reflection on the water. Blurred, hazy, undefined – like the insides of me.

I feel like a reflection abandoned by my real light; my light without which I have no business existing. Mechanically moving along with the rhythmic waves, but lacking any sense of the music of the water; my forehead creased, looking for an answer… How can I, being the ineffectual reflection myself, create a real reality?

My gaze slowly sweeps the frame, not in active search for the answer. The lights all around momentarily distract me. The white ones from innumerable windows, the red ones on top of tall buildings, a flickering white one… quite star like.
There are no stars though, and I can’t see the moon either.
I surf the overcast sky. It spells possibility.
If I broke through the cover of clouds, there’d be a clear sky somewhere, and if I went beyond, there’d still be something to find. This sky holds a promise of endless hope.

And still, with all the glory of the universe, the sky comes down to meet the water at every horizon…the highs always find a match with the lows.

Now I see it. I’m not a reflection of one of these yellow lights at all. I belong to some really bright star up there in the glorious sky. I haven’t been abandoned. I just can’t see my star tonight because the sky is overcast. I have been allowed to drift, to wander, to shimmer and shine, still all the while intrinsically belonging to my brilliant star.

Someday, when it beckons, I shall fly up and kiss it. For now, I’m enjoying listening to the music of the silence. :)

. . .

Making Merry

If one needs an excuse to wish, this christmas wish away :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

After a long long time a sat back and thought.. about all the good things, the bad things, and the wonderful things my life is made up of. At first I cried. But in the end, I smiled :)

Things are always there, we just need to focus on the right ones!

Happyness Rebound :D

Life is one big roller-coaster. There's one moment when you'll feel like burying yourself into you pillow and never wake up. And there's this another moment where there's a spring in your steps, a smile on your steps and an inexplainable glow on your face. Everything seems brighter and happier and not-so-bad afterall :)

There's colour in every eye,

A smile that could light up the sky.

You sit and stare..

At the walls so bare.

And a story forms there,

Right in front of your eyes.

Sitting side by side,

Emotions you are unable to hide,

Dreaming a dream so unreal..

You are for once scared to feel.

Everything's as perfect,

As it could be..

You pinch yourself and wonder,

Is this really happening to me!

Its not like something,

Too big has taken place.

But its those simple pleasures,

That gather up the pace..

This smile is like forever,

Stuck on your face..

You bask in the glory,

The beauty and the divine grace.

Maybe I'm too much.

Sometimes we laugh we smile we be act all happy and try to trick ourselves into believing that it is all real. And that’s not because we have something to prove to someone or to the world. Its just that we are tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of the bitchiness. Tired of failing. Tired of being worthless. Tired of not being cared for. Tired of crying. As you recede into those shadows once again you realise that you cannot hide there forever. The tears will somehow show up because no dam is strong enough to hold back a tsunami forever. People will eventually see through your smiles and know that the joy-cheeriness-fun attitude is fake. And as if it really matters. The world will still go on. People will still be selfish. Everyone will still put themselves before you. And you will still be lying there. Alone.

The friends you have will lend you their shoulder no doubt. Every single time you ask them for it. But then again. That’s the point. Every single time you ask for it. Otherwise they are actually too busy with their own lives to even notice you around. Sometimes I wonder, what if I told people I’m going on a holiday, and I never come back. Will anyone actually bother to check back, will anyone bother at all? Probably they will, by the time it’s too late.

‘I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh. But I never knew looking back on the smiles would make me cry.’ So. So true.

Today, I miss those friends, those moments, just that feeling knowing someone’s there who cares. I’m crying and I need a shoulder. Never thought asking for it would make me feel like a burden. I never thought I’d have no one.

Be it any relationship. I am too scared at first. Scared to open up, scared to give in, scared to be me. I’m slow at first, but once I get true, then I’m glued. Like glue- clear, in the flow and very tight bonding. Someone said its wrong to have expectations. I agree. And I try. I’m honest, direct, frank. I like to laugh. I like to have fun. I like to get praised. I like to be missed. I like to be thought of. I just like to feel that I’m there. There as a very vital part of someone’s life. That someone needs me like I need them. That I can make them smile like they make me. I like the little things. Is it asking fot too much?

Maybe it is.

Maybe I'm too much.

Random thought mess.

I want to cry,

To give up this try.

Happy I can’t be,

I can never be free.

No one by my side,

No one to confide in.

Me is all I have,

To always be guiding.

Forever and always,

Are just part of the wordplay.

But when I really need you,

All you do is part ways.

Why is my love never realised?

Why do only I understand me?

Why can’t you simply see?

Why can’t me and you be we?

I’m sick of being all alone.

Of being used and thrown.

Like a worthless piece of stone.

Why to only sadness I’m prone?

Promises are broken here soon

::INTERLUDE::

Stranded at the sea,

Rocking in the bay,

Thinking through the head,

Talking all the way.

Searching for escape,

Wanting to go astray,

But the horizon’s near,

And the scene’s clear.

Or is this an illusion,

An alternative vision,

Designed to capture me,

Into unreality?

Something that’s unlike me,

Something that you cant see,

Every truth here is a lie,

Every expression resembles a sigh.

Music outside,

Noise inside.

Fully filled up,

But eerily empty.

Forcing forward,

Still stuck in reverse.

Rising up high,

But gravity pulls down.

Trying to smile,

But forging a frown.

Dreaming out tomorrow,

Leaving out the sorrow.

Joy is far behind,

Yourself you try to find.

Everything seems clear,

In the end you are but blind.

Treading on.

On this path less known,

Your peace of mind,

You seem to have blown.

Promises are broken here soon.

What am I searching for?

I’m a lonely road of broken dreams,

Its a boulevard I’m searching for...

These stars are all so dull,

Its the moon I’m searching for...

Happiness is so angry at me,

Its peace I’m searching for...

This crowd surrounds me all the time

But its company I’m searching for

Life is like a winding path,

Its the destination I’m searching for...

Don’t know what it is that I have lost

Maybe its me that I’m searching for.

Our Melody

We started off as a symphony,

So catchy and light...

No complications,

Not a moment when we would fight.

The music was healing,

The older wounds we had,

I was loving the feeling...

I was no longer mellow or sad.

Together we had,

Something unnatural,

Something that was true.

Something, just like me and you.

How perfectly tuned we were,

It amazed me at times...

How nothing and everything created a stir,

Like a beautiful poem rhymes.

We sang our song,

No matter how long...

No matter the distance,

We pulled along.

We didn’t look ahead,

We left our past behind...

We dint want to fast forward,

We dint want to rewind.

We played for the moment,

Creating music together.

And we were mistaken all those times,

When we thought this can’t get better.

It was all going fine,

Until one string broke...

There was a pause in the music,

And my heart was at a stroke.

The strings were soon repaired,

And we tried once again.

But no other chord could,

Create that magic once again.

The tunings had been changed,

Some things rearranged...

I still craved to listen to our song,

But you sounded so deranged.

There was a pull somewhere,

Which didn't let the song flow.

There was a tab somewhere,

Which cut down the speed to make it slow...

I thought the time had come now,

For me to step back with a bow,

The show had ended very soon...

And it was worth more than a wow.

Each one of us had played our part,

Perfectly blended to make it look smart...

And now that it has all fallen apart,

We will still carry the songs in our heart.

All is lost and nothing gained,

Was it real or an illusion feigned?

Whatever it was it will remain with me...

The moments of our beautiful ‘melody’.

The Lake Is Frozen Again.

Sitting here by the frozen lake,

I see the ice thawing..

I wish it wouldn’t melt,

And remained like a perfect drawing.

I wish the winds wouldn’t blow,

So I don’t go closer to you.

I hope the cracks wouldn’t show,

So we could ice-skate too.

You would tell me your dreams,

And I would share mine...

And dancing away,

We would lose track of time.

We would talk about somethings,

About nothings mostly.

And in our hearts closer home,

We would just be so free.

One day I had wished,

A wish gone astray...

That we might be on the same side,

Of the lake someday.

But the wish was in vain,

And I was insane...

I had only believed,

To be mistaken again.

You still stood there,

In the biting cold air,

Looking away from the lake,

And avoiding my stare.

There had entered someone,

In our protected territory...

Spoiling all the peace,

And twisting memory.

I looked at you from here,

Suddenly too far for the distance,

Even the chills from the ice ..

Couldn’t cool the heat in my eyes.

And it all flowed out soon,

Like the pearls shining in the moon,

I tried not to make a sound...

I didn’t want to see you around.

I didn’t want to see you sad,

I smiled so that you thought I was glad.

I was glad and I was happy for you...

I just wished there was room for me too.

But alas you cut me off from you,

It was in a way the right thing to do.

Because even if I would be with you,

There would be a list of do-not-do...

And barriers wouldn’t help us get through,

And sooner or later we would be numb and blue.

I held a piece of the ice in my hand,

And soon it melted away like sand...

It reminded me of us again,

And somewhere my tears got lost in the rain.

I tried to be stronger,

Because I know we aren’t wrong.

We can very well sail through,

We can slide along.

And when we feel low,

When we don’t know where to go,

We can listen to a song...

We can sing along...

And yes, we can be strong.

Maybe you are right,

And I am wrong.

But I’ll always have this song,

And I’ll always sing along,

I’ll always... be strong.

Life is too short.

Grudges are a waste of time,

Laugh when you can,

Apologize when you should.

And let go of what you cant change.

Love deeply and forgive quickly,

Take chances.

Give everything and have no regrets.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

You have to take the good with the bad,

Smile when your sad,

Love what you get

And always remember what you had.

Always forgive,

But never forget.

Learn from your mistakes,

But never regret.

People change and things go wrong

But always remember,

Life goes on..

I've learned that :

1. Goodbyes will hurt.

2. Pictures never replace being there.

3. Memories good or bad bring tears.

4. Words can never replace those feelings.

Always be here

Tides on the verge of extinction

Sky collapsing down slowly

Birds and trees falling lightly

Memories folding away

The streets are just a river of dust

The ships on the bay

All go sailing away

They won’t be back here again

Can somebody tell me?

Why the highest highs,

Always match with the lowest lows..

Because I really don’t know.

And I don’t want to fall asleep,

Because there’s no guarantee,

That I’ll ever get back..

Despite of me.

Because I don’t want to come back,

Because I’m way up here...

The air is so clear,

And I’m looking at you.

I’m already so high,

Above the ground...

I’m already afloat,

Way below.

Please don’t keep me at bay,

I want to float away...

Something so exciting,

And at the same time terrifying.

Comes my way,

Emotions amplifying.

Hold me down,

I need to breathe...

Hold me up,

I need to leave...

Keep me back,

I have to flee...

Send me away,

To somewhere far away...

But always be here,

Close to me ...

Always be here

With me.