Sometimes we laugh we smile we be act all happy and try to trick ourselves into believing that it is all real. And that’s not because we have something to prove to someone or to the world. Its just that we are tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of the bitchiness. Tired of failing. Tired of being worthless. Tired of not being cared for. Tired of crying. As you recede into those shadows once again you realise that you cannot hide there forever. The tears will somehow show up because no dam is strong enough to hold back a tsunami forever. People will eventually see through your smiles and know that the joy-cheeriness-fun attitude is fake. And as if it really matters. The world will still go on. People will still be selfish. Everyone will still put themselves before you. And you will still be lying there. Alone.
The friends you have will lend you their shoulder no doubt. Every single time you ask them for it. But then again. That’s the point. Every single time you ask for it. Otherwise they are actually too busy with their own lives to even notice you around. Sometimes I wonder, what if I told people I’m going on a holiday, and I never come back. Will anyone actually bother to check back, will anyone bother at all? Probably they will, by the time it’s too late.
‘I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh. But I never knew looking back on the smiles would make me cry.’ So. So true.
Today, I miss those friends, those moments, just that feeling knowing someone’s there who cares. I’m crying and I need a shoulder. Never thought asking for it would make me feel like a burden. I never thought I’d have no one.
Be it any relationship. I am too scared at first. Scared to open up, scared to give in, scared to be me. I’m slow at first, but once I get true, then I’m glued. Like glue- clear, in the flow and very tight bonding. Someone said its wrong to have expectations. I agree. And I try. I’m honest, direct, frank. I like to laugh. I like to have fun. I like to get praised. I like to be missed. I like to be thought of. I just like to feel that I’m there. There as a very vital part of someone’s life. That someone needs me like I need them. That I can make them smile like they make me. I like the little things. Is it asking fot too much?
Maybe it is.
Maybe I'm too much.
I want to cry,
To give up this try.
Happy I can’t be,
I can never be free.
No one by my side,
No one to confide in.
Me is all I have,
To always be guiding.
Forever and always,
Are just part of the wordplay.
But when I really need you,
All you do is part ways.
Why is my love never realised?
Why do only I understand me?
Why can’t you simply see?
Why can’t me and you be we?
I’m sick of being all alone.
Of being used and thrown.
Like a worthless piece of stone.
Why to only sadness I’m prone?
Promises are broken here soon
::INTERLUDE::
Stranded at the sea,
Rocking in the bay,
Thinking through the head,
Talking all the way.
Searching for escape,
Wanting to go astray,
But the horizon’s near,
And the scene’s clear.
Or is this an illusion,
An alternative vision,
Designed to capture me,
Into unreality?
Something that’s unlike me,
Something that you cant see,
Every truth here is a lie,
Every expression resembles a sigh.
Music outside,
Noise inside.
Fully filled up,
But eerily empty.
Forcing forward,
Still stuck in reverse.
Rising up high,
But gravity pulls down.
Trying to smile,
But forging a frown.
Dreaming out tomorrow,
Leaving out the sorrow.
Joy is far behind,
Yourself you try to find.
Everything seems clear,
In the end you are but blind.
Treading on.
On this path less known,
Your peace of mind,
You seem to have blown.
Promises are broken here soon.
I’m a lonely road of broken dreams,
Its a boulevard I’m searching for...
These stars are all so dull,
Its the moon I’m searching for...
Happiness is so angry at me,
Its peace I’m searching for...
This crowd surrounds me all the time
But its company I’m searching for
Life is like a winding path,
Its the destination I’m searching for...
Don’t know what it is that I have lost
Maybe its me that I’m searching for.
We started off as a symphony,
So catchy and light...
No complications,
Not a moment when we would fight.
The music was healing,
The older wounds we had,
I was loving the feeling...
I was no longer mellow or sad.
Together we had,
Something unnatural,
Something that was true.
Something, just like me and you.
How perfectly tuned we were,
It amazed me at times...
How nothing and everything created a stir,
Like a beautiful poem rhymes.
We sang our song,
No matter how long...
No matter the distance,
We pulled along.
We didn’t look ahead,
We left our past behind...
We dint want to fast forward,
We dint want to rewind.
We played for the moment,
Creating music together.
And we were mistaken all those times,
When we thought this can’t get better.
It was all going fine,
Until one string broke...
There was a pause in the music,
And my heart was at a stroke.
The strings were soon repaired,
And we tried once again.
But no other chord could,
Create that magic once again.
The tunings had been changed,
Some things rearranged...
I still craved to listen to our song,
But you sounded so deranged.
There was a pull somewhere,
Which didn't let the song flow.
There was a tab somewhere,
Which cut down the speed to make it slow...
I thought the time had come now,
For me to step back with a bow,
The show had ended very soon...
And it was worth more than a wow.
Each one of us had played our part,
Perfectly blended to make it look smart...
And now that it has all fallen apart,
We will still carry the songs in our heart.
All is lost and nothing gained,
Was it real or an illusion feigned?
Whatever it was it will remain with me...
The moments of our beautiful ‘melody’.
Sitting here by the frozen lake,
I see the ice thawing..
I wish it wouldn’t melt,
And remained like a perfect drawing.
I wish the winds wouldn’t blow,
So I don’t go closer to you.
I hope the cracks wouldn’t show,
So we could ice-skate too.
You would tell me your dreams,
And I would share mine...
And dancing away,
We would lose track of time.
We would talk about somethings,
About nothings mostly.
And in our hearts closer home,
We would just be so free.
One day I had wished,
A wish gone astray...
That we might be on the same side,
Of the lake someday.
But the wish was in vain,
And I was insane...
I had only believed,
To be mistaken again.
You still stood there,
In the biting cold air,
Looking away from the lake,
And avoiding my stare.
There had entered someone,
In our protected territory...
Spoiling all the peace,
And twisting memory.
I looked at you from here,
Suddenly too far for the distance,
Even the chills from the ice ..
Couldn’t cool the heat in my eyes.
And it all flowed out soon,
Like the pearls shining in the moon,
I tried not to make a sound...
I didn’t want to see you around.
I didn’t want to see you sad,
I smiled so that you thought I was glad.
I was glad and I was happy for you...
I just wished there was room for me too.
But alas you cut me off from you,
It was in a way the right thing to do.
Because even if I would be with you,
There would be a list of do-not-do...
And barriers wouldn’t help us get through,
And sooner or later we would be numb and blue.
I held a piece of the ice in my hand,
And soon it melted away like sand...
It reminded me of us again,
And somewhere my tears got lost in the rain.
I tried to be stronger,
Because I know we aren’t wrong.
We can very well sail through,
We can slide along.
And when we feel low,
When we don’t know where to go,
We can listen to a song...
We can sing along...
And yes, we can be strong.
Maybe you are right,
And I am wrong.
But I’ll always have this song,
And I’ll always sing along,
I’ll always... be strong.
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