A piece of my heart.

Everyday I am caught in the mess of emotions. In the crowd of feelings. All of which are evoked by someone other than myself. All of which are a reaction not to the self. My brain and my heart, being controlled by someone else. In this moment of reflection I realise how vulnerable and how weak each of us is today. Owing most of our basic emotive functions to a third party. Sometimes even going to the extent of faking these very emotions to keep other judging minds satisfied. Day in and day out this seemingly fabricated routine becomes a part of us and we lose our independence. We are slaved forever. We cannot think for ourselves. We cannot feel detached. We are always holding onto something or someone for support and approval of something which is rightfully ours.

That is why maybe, I am happiest when I create art. Because that is one of the few things I am doing for myself. Uninhibited and free, I am not thoughtful of what reactions it will evoke or how it will affect anyone else. It is my art, my part. It is a free expression of what I feel and think and want to depict. Onlookers may choose to appreciate or ignore. Praises are welcome and criticism is too. But nothing can degrade the piece that I have created. Because as I said, there is a price of my heart in the piece of my art.

Its strange.

#Its strange how over time, we get connected to someone so intensely that we forget the boundaries and merge into one. All time is a struggle between their meal-times and mine, their work-hours and mine, their free-time and mine. And yet in the midst of all this comes the dilemma of finding the me-time and the we-time, both of which are equally crucial.

#Its so strange how the nascent stages of any growing friendship/relationship makes one forget the not-so-important things and during the later stages these things and the oft ignored self are given utmost importance. Comparisons are made with the point of view of compromises. Priorities dwindle and an attempt is made to reinstate the initial balance. But little do we realise, that the damage has been done. Live with it or live without it. But first, Learn to live within.

#Its strange how opinions change and mindsets change. And how people change. When the goals and the expectations change. Then, its not just the person inside you that has changed, but the people around you have to be changed too. As they say, if you can't change them, change them. Each human is unique, and so is the power and direction of progression of the heart and brain. It is when one finds another who is compatible with this rate and direction of change is maybe when a soulmate has been found.

Dust in the mind.

I thought I was a stronger person. I thought I could not be bothered so much. But I was wrong. I may not doubt you, get jealous, possessive and the usual. But one thing, I cannot stop loving you. And till I love you, I will miss you. Till I miss you I will tend to feel sad for all the oft occurring moments of longing that I feel irrespective of when you are available/unavailable.

 I have had many people in life whom I have trusted easily. Whom I have loved without restraint and cared for without a second thought. I have also got back the love and care but somewhere down I lost every one of them. But I just don’t know where I went wrong.  I didn’t do anything to make them stay, and I didn’t do anything to hold them back. Not because I thought it wasn’t worthwhile. But because, I have never believed in forced relationships. Even if it’s too late by the time people realise they need me, I am prepared to wait.

I cannot contain my love. If I miss you, I miss you. I cannot help it. I am not sad missing you or bad missing you or happy missing you or good missing you. I do not know the categories or the classifications. I simply just miss you. I cannot love with rules. I can surely try and understand that love may not always be practical and cannot always be whimsical, but thats love. And I love you.

The distance might get difficult for me only for the sole reason that I fear losing track of you. Or losing you. I am glad to let you free because I know you will still be there for me, but I try to keep in touch just to make sure you are there. Because I have lost people without even realising they aren’t there.

Its like you are out in a new city and both of you wish to explore the city together but not be bound with each other. You are confident that you both will tour and end up where you started. So you keep walking at your own pace without looking back to check because you trust blindly. But when suddenly you turn and see no one, you break. You feel so helpless and so shattered because you can’t even figure out where exactly you lost that person. You feel so sad and so lonely and so scared and so lost all of a sudden. I am scared of that feeling now.

I don’t want to lose you. Now.

All Shades Fade

I laugh, you smile..

Try to make it all worthwhile.

I look back on the miles,

And wonder if I'm beguiled.

Its a never ending phase,

A never ending maze..

I want to peace myself,

But its all in a haze.

Striving for perfection,

Of a perfect happiness..

But nothing's perfect they say,

Its only a sad mess.

Overlooking each crack in my heart,

Trying to build a wonderwall..

But it all crumbles down to the start.

Only making me stronger with each fall.

The people I met,

The tears I wet..

The memories I made,

All eventually fade

Forever they say,

But never do they mean.

Life isn't permanent,

And death is unseen.

Illusions

Darkness rolls on,

Never showing itself move...

Thoughts flow upon,

Not knowing what to prove.

Like a pile of muddled of mess,

Like the garbage from recess,

I wish I could be freed...

Like a damsel in distress.

And so it came to be,

This isolation that I am,

I can only look to me...

To find the way it all began.

This confusion, constant hunger,

For something more than this...

I search the being I envision,

And yet I seem to miss..

Could it be that I am empty?

Or maybe a little lost?

Could it be that I am lonely?

Or don’t know what it would cost?

This never ending ‘Something’

That is living deep inside,

Depicts the illusion of myself...

And all I have to hide.

Me and You :)

Just like the wind blows into my hair,

When you whisper love into my ears...

My whole world turns into a smile,

I get lost in my luckiness for a while.

Just like the shore meets the sea waves,

For a hug like that my little heart craves...

When the sun and sand mingle in tune,

And on repeat till the sky houses the moon.

Simple words of truth shared thus..

Stating reality without a fuss.

Relating to me and relating to you,

Relating together is what makes it us!

Peace within. Or without.

Sitting at my terrace, I can see two strings of yellow lights – one of them is real and sharp, and the other is its blurred reflection on the water. Blurred, hazy, undefined – like the insides of me.

I feel like a reflection abandoned by my real light; my light without which I have no business existing. Mechanically moving along with the rhythmic waves, but lacking any sense of the music of the water; my forehead creased, looking for an answer… How can I, being the ineffectual reflection myself, create a real reality?

My gaze slowly sweeps the frame, not in active search for the answer. The lights all around momentarily distract me. The white ones from innumerable windows, the red ones on top of tall buildings, a flickering white one… quite star like.
There are no stars though, and I can’t see the moon either.
I surf the overcast sky. It spells possibility.
If I broke through the cover of clouds, there’d be a clear sky somewhere, and if I went beyond, there’d still be something to find. This sky holds a promise of endless hope.

And still, with all the glory of the universe, the sky comes down to meet the water at every horizon…the highs always find a match with the lows.

Now I see it. I’m not a reflection of one of these yellow lights at all. I belong to some really bright star up there in the glorious sky. I haven’t been abandoned. I just can’t see my star tonight because the sky is overcast. I have been allowed to drift, to wander, to shimmer and shine, still all the while intrinsically belonging to my brilliant star.

Someday, when it beckons, I shall fly up and kiss it. For now, I’m enjoying listening to the music of the silence. :)

. . .