Sometimes we laugh we smile we be act all happy and try to trick ourselves into believing that it is all real. And that’s not because we have something to prove to someone or to the world. Its just that we are tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of the bitchiness. Tired of failing. Tired of being worthless. Tired of not being cared for. Tired of crying. As you recede into those shadows once again you realise that you cannot hide there forever. The tears will somehow show up because no dam is strong enough to hold back a tsunami forever. People will eventually see through your smiles and know that the joy-cheeriness-fun attitude is fake. And as if it really matters. The world will still go on. People will still be selfish. Everyone will still put themselves before you. And you will still be lying there. Alone.
The friends you have will lend you their shoulder no doubt. Every single time you ask them for it. But then again. That’s the point. Every single time you ask for it. Otherwise they are actually too busy with their own lives to even notice you around. Sometimes I wonder, what if I told people I’m going on a holiday, and I never come back. Will anyone actually bother to check back, will anyone bother at all? Probably they will, by the time it’s too late.
‘I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh. But I never knew looking back on the smiles would make me cry.’ So. So true.
Today, I miss those friends, those moments, just that feeling knowing someone’s there who cares. I’m crying and I need a shoulder. Never thought asking for it would make me feel like a burden. I never thought I’d have no one.
Be it any relationship. I am too scared at first. Scared to open up, scared to give in, scared to be me. I’m slow at first, but once I get true, then I’m glued. Like glue- clear, in the flow and very tight bonding. Someone said its wrong to have expectations. I agree. And I try. I’m honest, direct, frank. I like to laugh. I like to have fun. I like to get praised. I like to be missed. I like to be thought of. I just like to feel that I’m there. There as a very vital part of someone’s life. That someone needs me like I need them. That I can make them smile like they make me. I like the little things. Is it asking fot too much?
Maybe it is.
Maybe I'm too much.
I want to cry,
To give up this try.
Happy I can’t be,
I can never be free.
No one by my side,
No one to confide in.
Me is all I have,
To always be guiding.
Forever and always,
Are just part of the wordplay.
But when I really need you,
All you do is part ways.
Why is my love never realised?
Why do only I understand me?
Why can’t you simply see?
Why can’t me and you be we?
I’m sick of being all alone.
Of being used and thrown.
Like a worthless piece of stone.
Why to only sadness I’m prone?
Promises are broken here soon
::INTERLUDE::
Stranded at the sea,
Rocking in the bay,
Thinking through the head,
Talking all the way.
Searching for escape,
Wanting to go astray,
But the horizon’s near,
And the scene’s clear.
Or is this an illusion,
An alternative vision,
Designed to capture me,
Into unreality?
Something that’s unlike me,
Something that you cant see,
Every truth here is a lie,
Every expression resembles a sigh.
Music outside,
Noise inside.
Fully filled up,
But eerily empty.
Forcing forward,
Still stuck in reverse.
Rising up high,
But gravity pulls down.
Trying to smile,
But forging a frown.
Dreaming out tomorrow,
Leaving out the sorrow.
Joy is far behind,
Yourself you try to find.
Everything seems clear,
In the end you are but blind.
Treading on.
On this path less known,
Your peace of mind,
You seem to have blown.
Promises are broken here soon.
I’m a lonely road of broken dreams,
Its a boulevard I’m searching for...
These stars are all so dull,
Its the moon I’m searching for...
Happiness is so angry at me,
Its peace I’m searching for...
This crowd surrounds me all the time
But its company I’m searching for
Life is like a winding path,
Its the destination I’m searching for...
Don’t know what it is that I have lost
Maybe its me that I’m searching for.
We started off as a symphony,
So catchy and light...
No complications,
Not a moment when we would fight.
The music was healing,
The older wounds we had,
I was loving the feeling...
I was no longer mellow or sad.
Together we had,
Something unnatural,
Something that was true.
Something, just like me and you.
How perfectly tuned we were,
It amazed me at times...
How nothing and everything created a stir,
Like a beautiful poem rhymes.
We sang our song,
No matter how long...
No matter the distance,
We pulled along.
We didn’t look ahead,
We left our past behind...
We dint want to fast forward,
We dint want to rewind.
We played for the moment,
Creating music together.
And we were mistaken all those times,
When we thought this can’t get better.
It was all going fine,
Until one string broke...
There was a pause in the music,
And my heart was at a stroke.
The strings were soon repaired,
And we tried once again.
But no other chord could,
Create that magic once again.
The tunings had been changed,
Some things rearranged...
I still craved to listen to our song,
But you sounded so deranged.
There was a pull somewhere,
Which didn't let the song flow.
There was a tab somewhere,
Which cut down the speed to make it slow...
I thought the time had come now,
For me to step back with a bow,
The show had ended very soon...
And it was worth more than a wow.
Each one of us had played our part,
Perfectly blended to make it look smart...
And now that it has all fallen apart,
We will still carry the songs in our heart.
All is lost and nothing gained,
Was it real or an illusion feigned?
Whatever it was it will remain with me...
The moments of our beautiful ‘melody’.
Sitting here by the frozen lake,
I see the ice thawing..
I wish it wouldn’t melt,
And remained like a perfect drawing.
I wish the winds wouldn’t blow,
So I don’t go closer to you.
I hope the cracks wouldn’t show,
So we could ice-skate too.
You would tell me your dreams,
And I would share mine...
And dancing away,
We would lose track of time.
We would talk about somethings,
About nothings mostly.
And in our hearts closer home,
We would just be so free.
One day I had wished,
A wish gone astray...
That we might be on the same side,
Of the lake someday.
But the wish was in vain,
And I was insane...
I had only believed,
To be mistaken again.
You still stood there,
In the biting cold air,
Looking away from the lake,
And avoiding my stare.
There had entered someone,
In our protected territory...
Spoiling all the peace,
And twisting memory.
I looked at you from here,
Suddenly too far for the distance,
Even the chills from the ice ..
Couldn’t cool the heat in my eyes.
And it all flowed out soon,
Like the pearls shining in the moon,
I tried not to make a sound...
I didn’t want to see you around.
I didn’t want to see you sad,
I smiled so that you thought I was glad.
I was glad and I was happy for you...
I just wished there was room for me too.
But alas you cut me off from you,
It was in a way the right thing to do.
Because even if I would be with you,
There would be a list of do-not-do...
And barriers wouldn’t help us get through,
And sooner or later we would be numb and blue.
I held a piece of the ice in my hand,
And soon it melted away like sand...
It reminded me of us again,
And somewhere my tears got lost in the rain.
I tried to be stronger,
Because I know we aren’t wrong.
We can very well sail through,
We can slide along.
And when we feel low,
When we don’t know where to go,
We can listen to a song...
We can sing along...
And yes, we can be strong.
Maybe you are right,
And I am wrong.
But I’ll always have this song,
And I’ll always sing along,
I’ll always... be strong.
Tides on the verge of extinction
Sky collapsing down slowly
Birds and trees falling lightly
Memories folding away
The streets are just a river of dust
The ships on the bay
All go sailing away
They won’t be back here again
Can somebody tell me?
Why the highest highs,
Always match with the lowest lows..
Because I really don’t know.
And I don’t want to fall asleep,
Because there’s no guarantee,
That I’ll ever get back..
Despite of me.
Because I don’t want to come back,
Because I’m way up here...
The air is so clear,
And I’m looking at you.
I’m already so high,
Above the ground...
I’m already afloat,
Way below.
Please don’t keep me at bay,
I want to float away...
Something so exciting,
And at the same time terrifying.
Comes my way,
Emotions amplifying.
Hold me down,
I need to breathe...
Hold me up,
I need to leave...
Keep me back,
I have to flee...
Send me away,
To somewhere far away...
But always be here,
Close to me ...
Always be here
With me.
Sometimes when life is a rush and everything around you is happening fast, moving forward, going away and coming near at the same time it all becomes too much to digest. You think this is what life is all about and you just have to go with the flow.
On one hand you may think that thinking too much will only heat up your brain cells to cause unnecessary inflammation of your peace of mind.
While on the other and more tempting front you may want to pause it all for a few seconds and just sit and watch. And as you watch you’ll see the story emerge, emerge so beautifully – the past, the present, the good , the bad, the wanted and unwanted the obvious and the unseen. And slowly you’ll be led to you to your present, to now.
The only difference in situation being, here, you have a chance:
A chance to rewrite your story or rather re-guide it. Changing course or not, but at least when you stop, think and make a decision there is a feeling of control, a feeling of being able to hold your destiny in your hands. When later in life the moment re- emerges and you will evaluate the rightness or wrongness of your decision, you’ll know it’s you who asked for it, it’s you who risked whatever to achieve your wish. If you have been successful, the credit will go to you and you are the one who should be blamed for failure too. At least you will not vent out your situation on a higher power or the situation or another third party, helping you to correct your mistake if any, for the sole reason that – you are in your hands. While the other course will only lead to further frustration and repetition of mistakes again and again and again.
Our heart is like a candle. When faced with the cold winds and brutality and distrust, it turns stone cold and stands up strong. No one can make it flinch or move without its own permission. But when the heat of emotions come before it, it is inflamed to become soft and weak, so easy to mould, so easy to influence, so easy to confuse and deceive. It burns during this time, losing a lot of its core values and sensibilities, but the warmth it gets makes it forget everything else. It is only later, when the heat is withdrawn and the passion turns cold in a while that the true shape of the situation is seen. And once again the heart is but, helpless.
I want to clap and tap.
And make up some funny rap.
I want to lose it all for once,
To throw my fist and make a mid-air punch!
I feel like dancing till I drop.
I feel like buying till I can shop.
I feel like rising to the top.
I feel like feeling the thrill in the drop.
I feel like going crazy just now.
I feel like telling you how..
You turn me on with those eyes..
I hate those things that you too despise.
I feel like showing you the true you,
I feel like going crazy over you..
I feel doing something fresh and new.
I feel like gifting you the morning dew.
I feel like making all your dreams come true.
I feel like showing my secret world to you.
Thinking what you’ll say..
You’ll be happy or you’ll ridicule?
Or you’ll think that I am a fool?
You know what: I don’t really care.
Coz that’s the me-pure-air..
Which you will really have to see,
Coz that’s what I breathe around me.
I am a girl with several dreams,
I am not afraid of the screams,
I feel like shouting out aloud..
To show you that I am not scared of the sound.
To be able to stand out in the crowd.
To really truly make you feel proud.
There are times when you feel,
Like spilling all the paint..
Colouring everything wild,
And shading each taint..
Just to see how it looks,
And then going faint.
But enjoying nonetheless,
Who’s asking you to be a saint?
I realised happy isn’t so hard to be
You just need to open up and see
The small little things that make up life
That makes it more like a game than strife.
A list of 100 awesome things
Here are some things that make me happy and which I believe are so totally awesome.In no particular order of rank or preference..just..things..that are awesome.
1. Remembering your dreams
2. Reading a good book
3. Trying to convince someone that you have psychic abilities and saying: “My phone is going to start ringing” and then it does
4. Recalling all the awesome little things that happen during the day and smiling from ear to ear because of it
5. Finding money you didn’t even know you lost
6. An adrenaline rush Getting the eyelash out of your eye
7. When you’re really tired and about to fall asleep and someone throws a blanket on you
8. Hanging your hand out the window of a car
9. When you manage to squeeze enough toothpaste out for one last brush
10. Paying for something with exact change
11. High fiving nicely
12. Getting piggy backed
13. Getting in a line just before it gets really long
14. The other side of the pillow
15. Absolute perfect silence
16. Old classic board games
17. Popping bubble wrap
18. Good etiquette
19. Returning to your warm and comfy bed after getting up to pee in the middle of the night
20. Finding a pen just when you need it
21. Your favourite old, comfy T-shirt and tracks that mom has threatened to throw away millions of times
22. Watching something download really fast
23. Feeling cool that you can text without looking at the buttons on your cell phone
24. Getting recognised and praised for the things you love doing
25. Falling asleep in the backseat of the car while returning home from a really long drive
26. Squeezing through a door as it’s shutting without touching it
27. When someone offers to hold something for you when your hands are overfull
28. Sneaking under someone else’s umbrella
29. Sitting cross legged in the car and badly singing along with the FM
30. Jhaal black toffee worth 50paise
31. When your laptop or cell phone is just about to die but you manage to run and plug it in before it completely shuts off
32. Wordless apologies
33. Walking faster than the line of cars stuck in the traffic
34. Putting a thin layer of fevicol, waiting for it to dry and then peeling it off your fingers
35. When someone offers you their handkerchief at the right moment
36. Finding hidden compartments in things you already own
37. When the DJ plays exactly what you felt like dancing/listening to
38. Setting the new high score on a video game and typing your name on the high score list
39. Staring ahead at a brand new year
40. Emptying your inbox
41. That one person who laughs when you tell a really bad joke
42. Moving forward and moving on
43. Waves on the sea shore burying your feet into the sand
44. Nudging the shower faucet a little bit hotter then a little bit hotter
45. Licking the leftover gravy off the maggi plate
46. When you realise that you don’t have to get up because the remote is right next to you
47. Multitasking
48. Someone who understands, completely, simply
49. Walking on sand with the wind blowing and evening just about to set in
50. Getting the armrest on the seat in the movie hall
51. Lovely weather
52. Long walks with earphones for company
53. Terraces and open spaces
54. A cute guy telling you that you are cute
55. Meeting someone you had almost forgotten after ages
56. Experimentation
57. A good hair day
58. A phone call/text from someone you’ve been missing/thinking about
59. Long drive with good music
60. Dance
61. Random-Non-Stop laughter
62. Singing out of tune
63. A cosy bed with lots of pillows and a warm blanket
64. Looking pretty on a random day
65. Spinning round and round with your hands stretched out till you feel dizzy
66. Nice colours
67. The smell of petrol
68. Creating something ultra-cool with more of brains and less of hard work
69. Hearing a song on the radio that matches your mood/ life situation completely
70. A workless weekend
71. Realising you are lucky enough to have friends for emotional backup
72. Taking illegal naps when you are stuck under 50kilos work of workload
73. Surprises- especially unexpected ones and into which people have put great thought and effort
74. A long nice phone call even when all that you really talked about was nothing
75. Intelligent answers
76. Nice quotes
77. Soft lights
78. Winning
79. Old handwritten scribbling/notes/letters/chits
80. Making lists
81. Having someone guess your mood and trying to cheer you up even when you are trying to be normal but breaking deep inside
82. Seeing old photos and bursting into laughter all over again when you remember a crazy moment
83. Solving a problem which no one else could
84. Me time
85. Laughing till you have tears in your eyes
86. School days
87. Hogging
88. Writing
89. Imagining ultra-funny hypothetical situations and deriving conclusions
90. Sleeping like there’s no tomorrow
91. Watching the moon follow me
92. Honesty and frankness
93. Simplicity
94. Talking
95. Dreaming big
96. Babies
97. Photographs
98. Overcoming fears
99. Myself
100. AWESOMENESS
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